Just Thoughts

So I had a good time in Singapore, but it was difficult and a little... embarrassing isn't the word, but I walked away being kind of ashamed of my life. I hung out with some members of my family who are very successful. Success that, when I started to make comparisons to my own life, gave me nightmares. I was taken out for dinners I couldn't possibly afford, so I felt ten because there was no way for me to pay my own bill, much less be gracious to my host and offer to pick up the tab for all their troubles. We drank wine that cost more than I make in a week. And here's the thing: my family who have done well, did it through hard work. They really earned it.

It put my life so in perspective. Worst of all, some rumor started in my family that my book was about to be published, so they were all excited for me when I got there.

Nope.

My book was rejected by an agent a few days before I left. I've been working with a professor on it, and I've become aware that I have a lot to do. Not that it's an impossible mountain, but enough that I feel like I've been deluding myself. Or worse, I haven't been deluding myself, I've been deluding others to make myself feel good.

I thought being in Singapore would be so exciting. I felt so... privileged. The bad, conceited emotion of privilege. But once I got there, I just felt out of place.

I grew up in the middle of nowhere, and my parents were poor. I always liked the aura of success, so I've spent my life inflating my accomplishments to sound like I've done a little more than I actually have.

I'm going to attempt to keep it real, in life and blog. Here's my first admission: nobody really reads this thing! A good days these days sees fifteen people. And yet I still feel the need to exaggerate. I'm going to try to be more honest, and work harder at my job and my book and my life. Or work more honestly. That would be better.